To Write or Not to Write

Since I was young, I've wanted to be a writer. Actually, I've always known I am a writer. I just haven't done anything noteworthy to prove it. It's puzzled me for a long time why I just don't write. Well, I do write some but I mean really write something substantial. 

Sometimes I feel like I might be a little ADD. I'll have what I consider a great idea for a story and start writing it and lose interest. Maybe the characters aren't developing how I see them or I can't quite find the right next step to the story. Sometimes I can't write fast enough to keep up with the ideas and start losing them.

I'm very critical of my own writing so there's a good chance that my interest fades when I start to feel that it isn't worth reading. Part of my problem is that the words will just flow sometimes and I feel that it's too easy. It can't be good because it's not challenging me. 

The what if's start. What if no one likes it? What if no one reads it? What if it's not good? I know that in most areas of my life that other people's opinions matter way too much. If I think of a story that's really wild or outside the norm, part of me is always worried about the judgment of others. 

In my mind, I want to be a rebel who doesn't care what others think. I want to let myself go in writing. Embrace a fantasy world that gives me the chance to put everything out there for the world to read. Then the what if's and what will people think of me. Then everything stops. 

Oddly enough, time is not an issue for me. I haven't been able to work for the past few years and honestly, I've wasted a great deal of good writing time. I know the reason for that. While writing can be a job or career, for me it's fun. I seem to be punishing myself for not being able to work by not writing. Writing feels like taking time off from the real world to do something fun. People spend years in school learning to do what they're passionate about but, for me, it feels like cheating.

Another issue I have is that I've found a lot of people in my circle don't respect the process of a writer. 'If I'm typing, I'm working' just doesn't seem to sink in with them. I should be able to stop my thoughts to respond to them. It tends to belittle the whole process. Writing is an art form and writers are unique. Maybe it's just hard for people who don't have something they're passionate about to understand, you need to write when the ideas come. 

Maybe all of the above are just excuses for a lack of self-confidence or lack of skill. I'm certainly worried that I'll find out I have no talent. I guess only time will tell if I have anything to offer a reader. I need to get started and find out for sure. 
  

Living With Back Pain

 I've had lower back pain for as long as I can remember. My official diagnosis is Degenerative Disc Disease, sacroiliac joint dysfunction, and 3 or 4 compressed discs. Quite a few big words that all mean the same thing... my back hurts all the time. It's not just the back, pain shoots down the legs and the muscles grab and twist to make it even worse.  

Over time, you learn to 'live' with the pain because there's not much that actually provides relief. One of the worst parts is that since there is nothing outward that shows you're in pain, many people don't respect your situation.

In order to go anywhere i have to mentally map out my trip; even to the grocery store. Parking is important. How far do I have to walk to get to the building and be able to use a cart to take some of the pressure off my back? How heavy are the items I need to pick up and how heavy will the bags be when I check out?

Any situation is the same. How far do i have to walk? How long do I have to stand? Is there someplace supportive to sit? If those questions can't be answered ahead of time, it makes it impossible to go at all. I can't tell you the number of weddings, holidays and family parties I have missed because I can't be sure. 

I absolutely hate drawing attention to myself or the amount of pain I'm in or asking for help or needing special treatment. I try to do what I can but it's really hard to make it day to day. Some weather patterns even make the pain level go up. 

I had worked since I was a teen. I've had good jobs with benefits. Jobs that I enjoyed and had money to pay bills and to have money leftover to do something fun. As my back got worse I started losing them. First was a factory laborer which I could understand the pain was getting too great to continue. When I got bad enough that I couldn't even sit in an office chair for extended periods, I lost that job too. Shorter hours really don't help. The necessary steps to get to and from work are the same. 

I tried working from home. Hard to find a legitimate source of income there. I did apply for disability more than once and was turned down until the last time I was told I didn't have enough 'credits' to apply again. Part of the problem with getting approved for disability is that they want you to be under a doctor's continuing care. Well, once you lose your job and have no insurance, that's kind of hard to do. 

Back pain takes you down physically but it also takes you down mentally and emotionally. I envy people who can just get up and do anything, go anywhere without thinking about it. Having to baby my back along daily to function creates such stress. Constantly worried that it will lock up completely if I walk too far, sit too long or on the wrong surface, lift too much, bend too deeply, stand up too quickly, 

It doesn't help to constantly be in the awkward position of having to refuse invitations to go to anywhere. There is a quality of life that you lose. The ability to work is gone; including around the house or yard can't be done any longer. Feelings of worthlessness start to become a regular part of the day. Frustration leads to anger over a helpless, hopeless situation. 

I'm not sure if anyone reads these or if anyone who does will understand what this kind of pain does to your life.