Living With Back Pain

 I've had lower back pain for as long as I can remember. My official diagnosis is Degenerative Disc Disease, sacroiliac joint dysfunction, and 3 or 4 compressed discs. Quite a few big words that all mean the same thing... my back hurts all the time. It's not just the back, pain shoots down the legs and the muscles grab and twist to make it even worse.  

Over time, you learn to 'live' with the pain because there's not much that actually provides relief. One of the worst parts is that since there is nothing outward that shows you're in pain, many people don't respect your situation.

In order to go anywhere i have to mentally map out my trip; even to the grocery store. Parking is important. How far do I have to walk to get to the building and be able to use a cart to take some of the pressure off my back? How heavy are the items I need to pick up and how heavy will the bags be when I check out?

Any situation is the same. How far do i have to walk? How long do I have to stand? Is there someplace supportive to sit? If those questions can't be answered ahead of time, it makes it impossible to go at all. I can't tell you the number of weddings, holidays and family parties I have missed because I can't be sure. 

I absolutely hate drawing attention to myself or the amount of pain I'm in or asking for help or needing special treatment. I try to do what I can but it's really hard to make it day to day. Some weather patterns even make the pain level go up. 

I had worked since I was a teen. I've had good jobs with benefits. Jobs that I enjoyed and had money to pay bills and to have money leftover to do something fun. As my back got worse I started losing them. First was a factory laborer which I could understand the pain was getting too great to continue. When I got bad enough that I couldn't even sit in an office chair for extended periods, I lost that job too. Shorter hours really don't help. The necessary steps to get to and from work are the same. 

I tried working from home. Hard to find a legitimate source of income there. I did apply for disability more than once and was turned down until the last time I was told I didn't have enough 'credits' to apply again. Part of the problem with getting approved for disability is that they want you to be under a doctor's continuing care. Well, once you lose your job and have no insurance, that's kind of hard to do. 

Back pain takes you down physically but it also takes you down mentally and emotionally. I envy people who can just get up and do anything, go anywhere without thinking about it. Having to baby my back along daily to function creates such stress. Constantly worried that it will lock up completely if I walk too far, sit too long or on the wrong surface, lift too much, bend too deeply, stand up too quickly, 

It doesn't help to constantly be in the awkward position of having to refuse invitations to go to anywhere. There is a quality of life that you lose. The ability to work is gone; including around the house or yard can't be done any longer. Feelings of worthlessness start to become a regular part of the day. Frustration leads to anger over a helpless, hopeless situation. 

I'm not sure if anyone reads these or if anyone who does will understand what this kind of pain does to your life.